Well, feeling like a pile of complete crap was not how I intended to begin 2014. I feel bad. Really, really bad. Bloody atrocious. The thought "I want to die" is on repeat in my head and while it doesn't feel like my own thought exactly, I can't override it and make it stop. It's there when I wake up, it's there through the day and it's there when I go to bed. Worst of all, it's there while I'm talking to my friend about her cancer treatment. Sleep is a huge relief.
I failed today at my strategy of pushing on through. I got under the duvet and then I seemed to become paralysed. It took over two hours before I could make myself move. I'm going to try and rescue the day now, and at least do something.
I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow. I feel that I am letting people down by being like this. Then on Friday I am meeting K, and then next week the workshop starts again. I don't want to do any of it. But that way lies another wasted year, and I just can't bear that.