Friday, 1 November 2013

Everybody Knows

I feel like there is an oozing badness in me and everyone can tell. It makes me scared to be around people. And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, I will never be able to fully conceal it. I feel sick and I feel afraid. I wish I didn't have to leave the house.

I hit the wall yesterday. I have been going on day after day, thinking I could cope, and yesterday I knew I couldn't do it anymore, I knew it was all over. I phoned the Crisis Team. I feel like shit for needing help but I didn't know what else to do.

I don't really know what happened next. People must have phoned other people because a man and a woman from the Assertive Outreach team came round this morning with a food parcel. And they asked me how I was. So I told them. And then they made some calls and the Crisis Team came to see me. They were kind, they said I should trust them and they would help me. I am to increase the morning dose of quetiapine and I am being referred back to the tenancy support agency that I used to see. I feel completely rubbish for needing them again, but I simply cannot manage my life. I feel like I should be in an institution.

1 comment:

Me. said...

Please try not to be so hard on yourself, this isn't your fault. You are struggling with an illness beyond your own control. I know that you might find that hard to believe but it it true. You deserve all the support and you are not bad. I know this probably won't help. I have never met you but from reading your blog I can say with absolute certainty that I do not think for a minute that you have evil inside you. Please try to hang on to that even if you are utterly sure I am wrong. I cannot promise this will get completely better and that you will never feel this way again, but I honestly believe you are strong enough to get through it. Love and a hug x