The Way Back

Saturday, Sunday, Monday I felt as broken down as I have ever been. I'm pretty sure that isn't true, it's just that time softens and blurs things so the memory of brokenness is never as sharp as brokenness in the moment. But I felt as though I was close to simply ceasing to function, to enacting my recurring fantasy of lying down somewhere and letting whatever happened next just happen. I thought I had reached the point of no return.

Except that something always does return, somehow. I don't know what that something is, but you wake up, you want to die, and then you keep living. It's as blind and stupid and stubborn as that. The body keeps on going, even when the mind believes that to do so is impossible.

The Crisis Team consultant came to see me on Monday. He refused to sit down, he just stood there firing questions at me. Had I heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Why wasn't I taking care of my environment? What would happen if my landlord came round? Why wasn't I doing this? Why hadn't I done that? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Because I'm a complete failure? Because I'm an abject excuse for a person? Because I seem to be incapable of living like a human being?

But on Tuesday I got up and I did some stuff, made a few steps towards sorting things out. Then I comfort ate and comfort slept the rest of the day away. And yesterday I did the same. And today I will do it again.

I feel that the quetiapine is helping. It holds me somehow, makes me feel more solid inside myself. I am no longer filled with sickening fear and a sense of oozing badness. I am sleeping for a long time, and that is good for me right now.

The Crisis Team are coming to see me again today and then I expect they will discharge me. It is some ongoing support I need now, not an emergency intervention. I have a psychology assessment the week after next, and I'm still waiting to hear from the Reablement team, and then there is the tenancy support agency. So it's a case of waiting for these things to slot into place and hopefully help me move forwards.