Saturday, 31 August 2013
I dragged myself to the shop earlier to buy some sugar. I stopped taking sugar several weeks ago, but I feel like I need sweetness today, probably because I am struggling to eat so my body is craving energy from somewhere, anywhere.
So I am sat with a cup of strong, sweet tea and trying to think rationally. And looking around at the books I was enjoying reading and the art projects I have underway, remembering that the workshop starts next week and I did/do really want to go there even if right now, today, I feel that it's impossible, I keep telling myself that this state I am in is not *me*, and it is not inevitable that I will sink and sink, and that I somehow have to take action.
So I think I am going to do battle with the voice and phone on Monday to see if I can get an earlier appointment, because my next one isn't until the 17th. I dread the thought of doing it, because I feel so suspicious and as though I can't trust anyone, and I feel such a deep sense of shame at being this way and being seemingly unable to keep myself well. But this was the whole point of the work we did on identifying early signs and drawing up a medication management plan. My priority has to be to avoid either a) killing myself or b) ending up in hospital. I have a life I want to live and things I want to do.
Tonight I am going to make myself have a shower, because I really need one, and I am going to rewash that wretched washing and finally hang it up to dry. Apart from that, nothing. I know some people say you should push yourself to do things because "it'll make you feel better" but I've never found that works. Better to accept my current limitations.
Having worked that out, I still feel physically sick and exhausted, but mentally a bit more like myself, a little stronger, as though I *can* fight the voice. Sometimes it seems, you see, that it must be my own fault somehow, that I must have done something to cause it, and that I could just fix it if I would only try a little harder. When I'm able to separate myself from it and see that it is just the pattern of the disorder, then I am able to take steps, however small, to take care of myself. One of those steps is making that phone call on Monday, however much I don't want to.
I do feel bloody awful though.