Wednesday, 2 October 2013
Yesterday was a slightly better day. The fear was less intense, except when I had to leave the house. Today it seems to be back with full force. But now I've covered all the windows with sheets I think I might be able to do some cleaning later. It feels safer. My house is full of maggots. Last night I dreamed I was eating toffee popcorn and had to spit it out because I realised it was covered with maggots. I keep thinking I should be able to just make myself stop being afraid. But I'm weak. I can't seem to. My mind is veering and swerving around, seizing on various explanations for what is happening and who is doing this. I just wish I could understand. I had to take my jewellery off because I became convinced it was a way they were monitoring me, but the back of one of the earrings is stuck in my ear. I am telling myself it doesn't mean anything, but then I become aware of it again and feel panicked. I should make an appointment with a nurse and see if it can be removed, but I really don't want to go anywhere near the GP's right now. I'm increasingly reluctant to take the pills but I'm trapped by my fear of not sleeping. I've been reading websites that say there is no such thing as mental illness. That psychiatry is evil. That medication kills you. Besides, they've altered me and now they observe me, conducting their experiments, taking their notes. How can any drug change that?