Sunday, 6 October 2013
They infiltrated my computer on Friday. It started malfunctioning and then it wouldn't work at all. It made me feel so panicky and isolated. The internet really is a lifeline for me, it is a way I hang onto what sanity I have. I can't tell you how much better I feel to have found a way to fix it. Less alone.
Because they are still watching me, making their comments. I think they are trying to drive me crazy and writing a book about it. That's what they are doing. I had to go to the supermarket today and I got so anxious because people kept saying my name and it seemed that they all knew about me and were part of it.
I also had an appointment with my CPN on Friday. She said I seemed very "distressed and disturbed". She said I wasn't on my own with it, which was a kind thing for her to say. So I am now taking 100mg chlorpromazine in the mornings in addition to the 150mg at night, and I am seeing the Crisis Team for a few days. The chlorpromazine does seem to be calming me down a bit, I don't feel quite such overwhelming fear, though I am struggling with some side effects. I'm actually finding the Crisis Team really supportive. The two who came today were particularly nice, and talking about everything that is happening seems to help. But I'm struggling to believe them when they tell me it's all in my mind, because it feels so real. And as the fear recedes a little I'm starting to feel quite low, sort of defeated and broken down inside, and without much hope for the future.