Monday, 2 September 2013


I guess what I'm trying to do at the moment is observe and document what is going on in order to maintain my awareness that my current perceptions and feelings aren't the truth about the world or my life. It's so easy to get swallowed up in a mood and forget that things have ever been, or ever will be, different.

Last night I woke around 1am to find I had no power. Went back to sleep and hoped it would be magically fixed by the morning, but it wasn't. No coffee. No computer. No BBC News 24. Woe. (I have a strange obsession with BBC News 24 and except when I'm actually watching something else have to have it on.) The feeling actually reminded me of being in hospital, and not being able to have my little comforts and routines. I remember waking at 5.30 and not being able to have a drink, not being able to have a cigarette, not being able to do anything except wait. Not having the internet for weeks. All adding to the feeling of being trapped.

A power cut is one of those ordinary little things that crop up in life, and that at other times I would deal with without a second thought, but in my current state of mind it immediately engendered feelings of not being to cope, and for a while I contemplated simply not dealing with it and just living without electricity because that seemed easier. But I knew that was ridiculous so I gave myself a little shake and made the necessary phone call. Spoke to a very nice man and then another very nice man arrived to sort it out. Turns out that in addition to the normal trip switch I have an earth trip here and something had happened in the network overnight to turn it off. Since I've always lived in houses with overhead cables I didn't know to look for it and check it. So I soon had electricity again, which was a huge relief.

I left a message for my CPN but she didn't get back to me. I appreciate she's probably busy, but I hope I hear from her tomorrow. It was hard enough making that first call, I don't think I could face chasing. It makes me feel like I am being a nuisance.

I've been very shaky and achy today and my vision is simply screwed. My moods always manifest so physically they really do make me feel ill. I've mostly been taking painkillers and resting in bed, curled up with the cat. I can tell it's becoming more autumnal because he keeps wanting to come underneath the duvet, not just sprawl on top of it.

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