Sunday

I feel like I can't trust anyone or anything. I'm becoming scared even to write here. I wish I didn't have to leave the house. Dreams and memories and things I've read over the years return to me, and they seem significant, like clues to a puzzle I need to solve.

I nearly didn't take my medication on Friday night but it became clear after a few hours that I wasn't going to sleep without it, and I couldn't cope with that. Sleep is my refuge from the fear, from the sense of being analysed and watched. By whom and for what purpose I'm not sure.

I wish this CPN had called me last week as I was told she would. I don't have friends or family to chase or insist on help for me and sometimes it's too hard to do it for myself. Sometimes I need the professionals to reach out to me when they know I'm struggling, to do what they promise.