Wednesday, 4 September 2013
How can it be so hard to get in the shower? To do pretty much anything at all? How can it be possible to sleep so much? I keep doing things, but it seems I can only do one thing before feeling overwhelmed. Water the plants. Stop. Put on some washing. Stop. Change the sheets on the bed. Stop. It makes me feel pathetic.
It's weird to be this dull-headed and exhausted when a few weeks ago I was energetic and euphoric. How did that happen? I keep getting waves of dread and despair. It's not as though there aren't plenty of things going on in the world to cause dread and despair at the moment, but these feelings don't seem connected to anything, they don't seem to be attached to thoughts, they don't make sense. So I just curl up for a while and ride them out.
Trying to maintain an objective view of my situation though, trying to figure out ways to improve it, does at least diminish the volume of the voice, and I am more able to ignore it. It wants to take me down a dark road, it wants to shut out hope. And I won't have it.